Kan: Week 4—The Artist Who Saved My Life

 It was 1 AM, in a Chengdu hotel room. I was on a trip in the Sichuan region with other Chinese-descent teenagers from across the world; it was our last day before we all headed our separate ways: some in buses and cars, others in trains and planes. The “cohort” of kids that I was in, having formed close bonds with each other and with people from other countries, decided to spend an all-nighter together, in one hotel room. The intimacy in the room (NOT SEXUAL) offered room for conversation, crazy activities, and demented screams.


Yet, that night, I felt more disconnected from my peers than ever.


Due to sleep deprivation and a feeling of alienation, I was not feeling my best. In fact, I was trying to keep the disappointment and shame that I felt being helpless in most situations from my group—that day, my roommate had an emotional breakdown over being unable to speak or understand Chinese, an outburst which had left me dazed and conflicted over how to assuage him.


Back to the hotel. I was in the closet of the room, because the atmosphere outside was a little too overwhelming for the then-socially introverted me. Then, a dangerous seed sprouted within me: maybe this is the last time I have to be useless, I thought. If I can block off my air supply here, maybe I could just suffocate myself. Then, I no longer would need to be useful and social; after all, dying would just make the feeling of inadequacy go away.


As cringe and edgy as it sounds, that is what I would have done in that moment—despite it being an incredibly stupid way of attempting suicide—had it not been for one artist: underscores. That night in the hotel room closet, I was playing underscores’ EP Boneyard aka Fearmonger through my phone speakers. The lyrics on the EP, such as “I ought to swallow my pride / It’s moments like these when I try my luck and I don’t know why” resounded with my mind state; the instrumentals, perfectly contrasting with the lyrics, were upbeat and cheery. So, when the EP ended, I decided to go for another listen. Then another. Then another.


I eventually lost count of how many times I listened to Boneyard. All I remember was that it soon became morning; I stumbled out of my cave, went back to my room, packed up my things, and left the hotel by noon.


This was the event that converted my enthusiasm for music into a passion. For the first time in my life, I experienced how music could save lives, rather than just something filling up background noise or killing time. Before, unsure of my future, I floated from career path to career path. Now, one thing became abundantly clear: music had to stay in my life, no matter what. And to think it all started from a corny, emo middle schooler moment (as of writing this, I am dying of embarrassment).

Comments

  1. Anirudh RaoOctober 8, 2026 at 8:40 PM

    First off, I really respect your courage in sharing this with us. I think it’s really important how something like music can go from just being a way for us to pass the time, to something that can quite literally save our lives. What stands out to me is that even though the music didn’t really change your circumstances, it gave you something to connect with in a time where you felt deeply disconnected from the people around you. And I think this brings us to a broader point about art. The Mona Lisa can’t solve your relationship issues and neither can it bring you out of debt. But by admiring the intricate paintwork and attention to detail, we can lose ourselves in the great piece of work. I think it also explains why two people can listen to the exact same song, but walk away with two very different interpretations, because what resonates with a person depends on what they’re going through. Thus, music isn’t always something we passively listen to, but something that can be a way of understanding ourselves. And I think there’s a deeper point: music can hit hard depending on the situation of the exact same person. One day you may find yourself finding a slow and introspective song too boring or bland, but another day you may find it incredibly expressive and deep. By this logic, music may offer a mirror into ourselves, reflecting parts of ourselves that we might not have otherwise recognized.

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  2. Riya PurumalaOctober 8, 2026 at 9:48 PM

    Hi Kan! I really enjoyed reading your blog, and thank you for sharing your story, as it was truly inspiring. Being comfortable enough with your past to share this story is really impressive and brave. It is incredibly uplifting to hear how you were able to come back from such a difficult time in your life. I imagine being in that situation certainly could not have been easy. I find it so beautiful that a song literally saved your life. It represents just how powerful music is. Just like you, when I am feeling down, I turn to music, and it almost always seems to improve my mood. It is amazing how music can help someone so much and in so many ways. I have never heard the song Boneyard aka Fearmonger by Underscores, but you have inspired me to listen to this song. And who knows, maybe this song will become my new go-to song when I am feeling low!

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